Him? Wrong Shill

I've got to know: Who in North Korea decided it would be a good idea to let this guy run the place?

Parade Magazine ranks Kim Jong-il No. 2 among the world's worst dictators. American comedians likely rank him No. 1 among the world's easiest-to-mock bad guys.

Obviously, there's a lot not to like about him. The lack of press freedom, along with the absolute lack of personal freedom and the enduring hardships the North Korean people must endure - all items cited in the Parade ranking.

Since people in his own country can't tweak the guy, I'm happy to do the honor.

First off, find some clothes that fit. That jacket looks to be in the same shape as a medium shirt on my fat ass. (Though perhaps the zipper knows that if it should break, causing great public embarrassment to the mighty dictator, they could be subject to one of his re-education camps. "You will learn, insolent zipper!!")

In fact, find some clothes, period. YOU RUN THE DAMN COUNTRY. Can't you tell someone to pick you up some worthwhile threads?

At least Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - though equally shady - has a bit of fashion sense about him. Kim, next time you're complaining to him about that crappy missile test, ask him if he knows a good taylor in Uzbekistan.

One last note about fashion: Ditch those dopey sunglasses. Perhaps you think they give you an air of badass. They don't. You're 63; get the flip-down kind.

Secondly, do something with the hair. I know you think all of us Americans are stupid, but we're smart enough to know that on a head, skin + sudden, full hair = sure sign of a rug. Instead, that thing atop your head looks like sat on a top hat and declared it fit to wear.

Perhaps you think it does something to distinguish you. Again, you run the damn country. People should know who you are. (People who can't stand President Bush could surely pick him out in a crowd.)

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, loosen up. I saw a TV clip of you recently; you were applauding as your troops marched in front of you. And the way they were walking - not the standard lockstep formation of the U.S., but a step-kick, step-kick - you had better applaud them for making them walk in public in such a silly fashion.

Look, most of the world is split on the tensions in the Middle East. Some say Israel is the aggressor, while others believe it's the fault of Hamas, Hezbollah and the countries that support them. Fair enough. But everyone else in the world thinks you need a tall, frosty glass of STFU.

The leaders at the G8 summit can't agree on the four seasons, but they think you're silly. Yet you persist on flexing your muscles; in your funhouse mirror, you look like this guy. The rest of the world sees you as you are - this guy.

Give it up already.

(Photo from Yahoo via AFP, sorry for not putting that earlier)