My candidate for Virginia's junior Senator is...

I still haven't exactly picked out who I'll vote for in two weeks. Most of our frequent visitors here are from states that aren't the Commonwealth of Virginia, so some quick background:

The incumbent is Sen. George Allen, a Republican, son of the former Redskins coach of the same name. According to thomas.loc.gov, 50 of his colleagues have sponsored as much or more legislation than he has.

Of the bills he has introduced, some look pretty good - like the government providing relief to people taken hostage by terrorists, a bill that prevents Congress from being paid if appropriations acts aren't passed by a certain date - but a lot of them leave me just scratching my head.

Of his 89 pieces of legislation, four are formal congratulations to college teams that won a national championship. I know this is standard procedure - my wife's boss did much the same when Las Vegas native Kurt Busch won the Nextel Cup title a few years back - but four seems like a lot.

Furthermore, there are several bills "to suspend temporarily the duty" on all of the following, word for word from the legislation: handheld electronic can openers, electric knives, toaster ovens with single-slot traditional toaster opening on top of oven, ice shavers, dual-press sandwich makers with floating upper lid and lock, electric drink mixers with tilt mixing heads and two-speed motors, electric juice extractors greater than 300 watts but less than 400 watts, open-top electric indoor grills, electric coffee grinders, electric percolators, automatic drip coffeemakers other than those with clocks, automatic drip coffeemakers with electronic clocks, electronic under-the-cabinet mounting electric can openers and food slicers and shredders with top-mounted motors and replaceable mixing bowls.

What. The. Fuck.

If you have any sort of political inclination, you probably know that Allen was in the middle of the macaca flap, a controversy which has broiled since the temperature was hot. (The U.Va. Center for Politics' Crystal Ball gives good insight into the major moments of the race so far.)

Plus, if you'll recall, you may remember I'm not George Allen's biggest fan in the first place.

So that means I'm voting for Democrat Jim Webb, right?

Nope.

Webb has made several missteps in the past, long before his Senate candidacy. They are now coming back to haunt him. According to several reports, he was pretty hostile towards women during his time in Annapolis at the U.S. Naval Academy.

If Allen's attack ads are to be believed - and I've seen no Webb counterattack to make me think otherwise - Webb was prepared to say that the late Ronald Reagan would have endorsed his candidacy. Webb served as Secretary of Navy under Reagan, but left after 10 months. He later penned a book and referred to Reagan as a fool, or some other moniker that uh, wasn't exactly glowing.

Webb pressed ahead with wanting to use Reagan's name, even after a letter from Nancy Reagan that asked him not to.

So that means I'm going with Gail Parker, the independent choice, representing the Green Party, right?

Nope.

Some of her answers to this Connection Newspapers questionnaire are just baffling.

"... [B]uild[ing] rail now, right now, high-speed rail, beginning in Virginia, is an excellent long term strategy for combating terrorism."

"Voters in Virginia have express [sic] dissatisfaction to me with No Child Left Behind. I strongly support education. Rail can provide rapid transit to choices in education."

Huh? Are you joking?

In that same questionnaire, she did not answer yes/no questions about same-sex marriage, net neutrality, and a guest worker program. At least Allen and Webb answered the questions, though Webb did not answer whether he believed in evolution.

So the point of it all is this:

-- I'm not voting to send someone to the Senate to be a middle-of-the-road member in terms of legislation and influence.

-- I'm not voting to send someone to the Senate who has such a persistent past of intolerance.

-- I'm not voting to send someone to the Senate who has one platform, doesn't conjugate verbs correctly and won't answer tough questions.

As a result, I'll be writing in a candidate: Santa Claus. Or maybe Lewis Black.