That Screech you hear...

is the sound of women and children in pain; and the sound of people putting on the brakes as they reach the porcelain god.

I myself feel physically ill. Literally.

See that guy to the right? Yeah, Screech - Dustin Diamond. He did former Saved by The Bell castmate Elizabeth Berkley one better.

He's starring in his own porno.

Quick, click here. You'll feel better.

The fine folks at industry rag Adult Video News have the news. (Link probably SFW, but why risk it? Wait 'til you get home.)

Look, I don't begrudge the guy. If every guy that reads this is honest with himself, he'd hop at the chance to earn a paycheck by jumping in the sack with a couple of porno starlets. Some of us would have to ask permission, of course, but you're damn right we'd want to do it.

It's a way to try to jumpstart a career or stay in the public eye a little longer. Exhibit A: Paris Hilton. Exhibit B: Manassas' finest, John Wayne Bobbitt.

(A funny aside to Mr. Bobbitt: Floating around our office somewhere is a signed copy of his divorce agreement - it's like a treasure passed down from generation to generation, and I saw it exchange hands when uber cop reporter Patrick Wilson bolted for Winston-Salem, N.C. At the end of his signature, he drew a bloody knife.)

At the same time, I know that the general public doesn't want to see me in, uh, intimate moments. That's fine. I ain't Fabio, and that's OK.

I guess I'm just really curious as to how this deal went down. His agent calls and says, 'Look, I got this great opportunity... but it's a little unusual.' And, for the reasons outlined above, he went along with it.

But the fact is that he's just not the best-looking guy on earth. He's pornstar material as much as I am. And that ain't much.

Really, I don't begrudge the guy. But at the same time, you've got to recognize your limits, you know?